Monday, February 28, 2005

Finally, A Good Oscar Year For Crips and Gender-Benders (Next Year The Tards Will Return)

As many people know, the Oscars are when Hollywood celebrates its best. It seemed to me, a casual observer, that Oscar acting nominations, and of course winners, tended to heavily represent certain types of people. For example, I have noticed that since I was old enough to kind of pay attention to the whole thing, that actors and actresses that play (the politically correct terminology) retards, nuts, crips or have a gender bender role tend to get lots of nominations and win at Oscar time. So I decided to do a little research. My suspicions were confirmed, though I also learned that many best actress and supporting actress nominees are often playing prostitutes. Let's look at recent his/herstory.


Foxx wins for Ray. Ray is blind.
Swank wins for Million Dollar Baby. She apparently has some physical affliction, and she boxes. This is pretty much pretending to be a guy. As you will see below, it wasn't her first time.


Crowe wins for A Beautiful Mind. He plays some kind of nuts genius.
Sean Penn, who also was married to Madonna, is nominated for I Am Sam in which he plays a lovable retard (Is there any other kind in the movies? I think not!).


Angelina Jolie wins for playing a crazy, violent bitch in Girl, Interrupted. Not a real stretch. Winnona Ryder was so depressed over not getting nominated that she went on a "shopping" spree.
Swank wins her first Oscar for playing a girl who pretends to be a guy in Boys Don't Cry.
Michael Clarke Duncan is nominated for playing a wrongfully accused lovable retard with psychic powers in The Green Mile. Two time winner Tom Hanks was in this movie, but he wasn't nominated. You see, he wasn't playing a cripple or a retard like the two times he won.


Jack Nicholson is nominated for playing an obsessive compulsive gay bashing lovable crumugeon in As Good As It Gets.
Robin Williams is nominated for playing a man pretending to be a female nanny psychiatrist in Good Will Hunting Mrs. Doubtfire.

1996: This was a banner year.

Ed Norton (a truely great actor I think) is nominated as a crazy, but not really crazy, killer in Primal Fear.
Billy Bob Thorton, who was once married to Angelina Jolie, is nominated as a killer tard in Sling Blade. But he only kills really bad people, so he is still pretty lovable you see.
Pot activist Woody Harrelson is nominated as a crippled by Gwinnett County bullet porn king in The People v. Larry Flynt. Ed Norton played his lawyer. Hole lead singer Courtney Love played his hole.
Finally, Geoffrey Rush shines and wins for his mental breaking down recovery performance in Shine. Do you think I was the first to use "shines" as a verb in describing Mr. Rush's performance in Shine?

1995: Also a banner year.

Brad Pitt is nominated for being a nut in 12 Monkeys.
Kevin Spacey wins for being a non-crip pretending to be a crip in The Usual Suspects. Remember, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was convincing us that he didn't exist.
Finally, two alcoholics (one who doubles as a prostitute) are nominated in Leaving Las Vegas.

1994: The year of the retard.

Tom Hanks wins for being history's retard in Forrest Gump. Jodie Foster is nominated for just being a tard with no other redeeming qualities in Nell.
Also, Gary Sinse plays a guy with no legs and gets nominated for befriending Forrest Gump.


Mute Holle Hunter (when you get married by arrangement, do you think husbands request mutes?) wins in The Piano.
AIDS afflicted, and lawyer, Tom Hanks wins for Philadelphia. Aside: This was the last time Philadelphia ever won the big one.


Al Pacino wins for being a blind horny guy in Scent of a Woman.
Jay Davidson is nominated for some reason for being a guy pretending to be a woman in The Crying Game. One of the most overrated films in history.

1991 and 1990:

Robin Williams is nuts in The Fisher King, and Robert DeNiro is nuts in Awakenings.

Going back into the 1980's reveals many more on this theme (for example, in 1998 and 1989 we have Daniel Day-Lewis and Dustin Hoffman winning as crips and tards in My Left Foot and Rainman).

Well, I'm glad to see the Academy is finally getting back to the basics. Maybe next year we can have the crippled, retarded, gender-bender sweep of the best actor and actress categories.