Monday, February 21, 2005

With Friends Like Thieves

Inspired by the recent relevation that one of President Bush's close friends secretly taped his conversations in the hope of "preserving history," I now present the uneditited version of the "Pile On Tapes" in hopes that they will lead to an ever-greater understanding of world peace and postpone its more prevelant violent options. Here, unedited and for the first time is the complete transcript of a telephone conversation between Pile On and Kim Jong Il, Maximum Free Radical, North Korea, as recorded by spd rdr with super infoblast technology(patently pending) last Thursday.

Pile : Uhhh hello.
Maximum Leader: Hey there dupe of the American Imperialist machine ol' buddy! It's me, Kim! What are you doing about the the hot Texas blondes and cognac you promised me in return for not producing nuclear weapons?
Pile : hmmm nuthin', whatchu doin'?
Maximum Leader: Don't you "hmmm" me you little capitalist weasel. We had a DEAL! Sanctioned by Big Kofi himself! Now pony up them Lone Star broads or kiss your Toyota's long-term waranty goodbye!
Pile: heh
Maximum Leader: "HEH????" Is that what you've got Imperialistic Running Dog Lackey? That's all you got to prevent me from making the Far East into Deep Brown Toaster Central?
Pile On: no.....huh???
Maximum Leader: You think I'm joking, cowboy? You want to watch as I launch a "Sean Penn Air to Surface Missile" at the Academy Awards? You think that'd be funny, homey?
Pile: heh
Maximum Leader: Oh you funny, boy. You really really funny. Now pony up the Courvoisier and let's get to the hot chicks.
Pile: no, I don't have any
Pile: huh?
Maximum Leader: You promise that Fearless Leader would have companionship of hot babes in hot tubs even while starving people!
Pile: uhhh??? no that's bull**it
Maximum Leader: Hey buddy, you can try to scam me, but what about Big Kofi's cut? He don't cotton to any babes not going through the U.N. "security" process. Either you start the babes flowing or he'll be taking action against you.
Pile: fu** him. I ain't too worried, he'll wear thin
Maximum Leader: (whining) Aw, com'on Pile! What's a little graft and child-rape between world leaders like us? I mean, with a little U.N. supervision, we can do anything! Com' on! Let's at least talk about it! How about I drop by your place to work out the details of my disarmament?
Pile: yeah come on over, I ain't doing anything.
Maximum Leader: Goddamn! Pile On, You Da Man! You know that even we Beloved Leaders just gotta have your approval!
Pile: heh
Maximum Leader: Listen, P.O., I know you drive a hard bargain...much like your boss, insane cowboy Bush. Isn't there anything I can do to make up to you for our know, "misunderstandings?"
Pile: bring some beer a**hole
Maximum Leader: Sure, sure I will!!! Milwaulkee's Best, right? Two cases. Ane Cheese Dooodles! I got it. But, Pile, ol' friend, if I do, will you promise to stop targeting me with 751,159 nuclear weapons?
Pile: heh
Maximum Leader: No P.O., I'm serious! Blondes, booze but no bombs. Capice?
Pile: later
Maximum Leader: Hello? Helloooooo? Goddamned backchannel communications! Hello?