Friday, June 17, 2005

Friday Vespers

Hello and welcome friends and neighbors, to a very special Tropical Gulag episode of Friday Vespers here at the world famous The Ebb & Flow Institute. This is the time of the week where we put the pressures of life behind us and enjoy a beer brought to us by a woman inexplicably crawling around on a tropical beach.

With this calender you can keep track of the number of days you have tortured or have been tortured. Whatever your thing is.

On today's post we celebrate the liberating historical wisdom of one Senator Dick Durban.

Him Smart!

Liberating you ask? You heard me correctly, thanks to Dick, ordinary Americans can release their inner despot. Before Dick, many Americans who possessed a vague understanding of 20th century history felt like they could not be the murderous, oppressive, communist/fascist tyrant they always dreamed of becoming.

A moment on achieving your dreams, if you will.

Now with Dick, blood, sweat and tears AREN'T what it takes to see your dreams come true, imagination, belief and expectation are what's needed.

Your dreams are not yours by accident. You have them for a reason, many reasons, not the least of which is to make them come true. Your dreams are what's meant to be... you just have to do your part... a mighty tall order when you lack Dick's keen grasp of history. With Dick however, you'll find that NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY BE EASIER than running your own detention/re-education camp.

Just look around the world today at the tyrants that force political dissidents into death labor camps. Are they smarter than you? Are they more deserving than you? Have they paid greater dues than you? NO. NO. NO WAY. Whether through their intelligence, or ignorance, usually the latter but it DOESN'T matter, they're actually torturing people, and now thanks to Dick, YOU CAN TOO.

An Ebb & Flow first of it's kind ever contest.

Be your own home oppressor. The person who has the best story of oppression and human torture will win 100 yds. of Gulag Grade Razor Wire.

Wow! Just the thing to put the finishing touches on your home forced labor camp.

Entry example:

Last night I set the thermostat to the Siberia setting. Mrs. On, who likes it warmer than I do had to put on a long sleeve shirt. A LONG SLEEVE SHIRT! This morning I swear I caught her googling Solzenhitzen. There will be no seconds of rice pilaf for her tonight. No sir, no way.

Remember, you can't win if you don't enter.