Pile In Aught Ocho Town Hall Meeting Number 1

Pile In Aught Ocho Town Hall Meeting Number 1

First let me say, this is not CSPAN. The Iraq war has made me well aware that the American people have the attention span of a dog pecker gnat*, so this is going to be a fast paced exchange. Read fast or be left behind.

Peggy Noonan, you are first up. Go ahead Peggy.

Yes Mr. On, the American people want to know just one thing of their president: WILL YOU SUFFER?

Peggy, let me just say that I really enjoyed that book you did on President Reagan, When Character Was King.

And not just suffer privately, but will you seem to suffer publicly during press conferences, public appearances, and the like so that we can savor your suffering?

Oprah tapes in Chicago. Thanks.

Next question, you, MTV viewer person.

Yes thank you Mr. On my question is, the war in Iraq?

I support it.

The war on terror?

That too.

The war in Bosnia?

Sure why not.

The battle of the bulge?

Thank God CNN wasn’t there.

The War on drugs?

Like your drugs huh?

Partial birth abortion?

Bloody murder.

School bussing?

Beats walking.

Affirmative action?

Sometimes less is more.

The F word?

Yes?

The S word?

S word?

The N word?

Don’t use it.

The C word?

Wouldn’t recommend it.

National health care?

Sure, if the nation is sick.

France?

Good friends are hard to find.

Michael Moore?

I am sure I will be a source of future inspiration.

Teletubbies?

To each his own.

Long walks in the park?

The only thing better is a short walk.

Warrantless wire taps?

Depends on what you mean by warrantless?

Surgical spinal taps?

No thanks.

This is spinal tap?

Classic.

The NEA?

Wait till they get a load of me.

The CIA?

Needs a house cleaning.

The FBI?

Glad they are on my side.

The NAACP?

What does that second A stand for?

The AARP?

If you aren’t part of the solution you must be part of the precipitate.

WTF?

Isn’t that an AM station in Chicago?

The ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter?

Yes, I like pi.

Missing bees?

Depends on who is missing them.

Killer bees?

The Astros aren’t having a very good year.

Brazilian bikini wax?

I have never understood why they call it a bikini wax.

Gangs?

A poor substitute for a family.

Prescription drugs?

Why do you ask?

Thugs?

Don’t need them.

Bushwhackers?

Haven’t seen them.

Red necks.

Sure, just don’t get carried away.

Leather necks?

Salute.

Long necks?

It's not about the bottle.

Global warming?

Wouldn’t be the first time.

Climate change?

Semantics.

Endangered species?

99.9 percent of all species that have ever lived have gone extinct. We are all endangered.

Erosion?

Not quite as sexy as global warming.

Corruption?

Don’t make me flash the lights.

Wind power?

What do we do on the days without wind?

Solar power?

Get back to me when the technology has improved.

Power windows?

Never knew I needed them till I had them.

Childcare?

Sorry, just checking to see if my wallet is still there.

Child abuse?

That’s why we build prisons.

Gay marriage?

Happy is good.

Polygamy?

Only works in theory, kind of like Marxism.

Onomatopoeia?

Snap.

George Bush?

Like him or no, you got what you voted for.

Women in prison movies?

Sure, if tastefully done.

What type of underwear do you like?

Cotton.


*Dog pecker gnat is the common name for canis genitales sp., of the order diptera. An unremarkable specimen that spends its summer days buzzing about warm moist dog members.