Our Top Stories Tonight

Due to the fact that we are operating on a skeleton crew here at the Institute and we have undertaken a major renovation of our headquarters, we will be unable to post an in depth policy paper or an investigative exposé this week. But there is no reason to fret like one of my old teenage girlfriends waiting for me to call, the Institute has its proverbial foot on the pulse of the nation.

*******************************************************************************

There have been 31 Grizzly Bear casualties since President Bush announced the end of major Grizzly Bear operations. Some environmentalists are concerned about U. S. hegemony in and around Glacier National Park.

*******************************************************************************


This New York Times headline caught my eye, "Supermarket Giants Crush Central American Farmers".

Stupid supermarket giants, you don't want to crush Central American Farmers, it ruins the flavor. Pick them fresh, then chop them coarsely.

*******************************************************************************

Schools are replacing the milk cartons with plastic bottles, citing a milk industry study that shows children drink more dairy when it comes in round plastic bottles.

That may be true, but if my childhood is any indication, children drink the most out of aluminum cans pinched out of their parents refrigerator.

*******************************************************************************


Missouri Approves Fishing With Bare Hands

Next summer, it will be legal to plunge into some Missouri rivers and grab catfish by hand - a type of fishing that is not for the faint of heart.
Known variously as noodling or hogging, handfishing has long been a misdemeanor punishable by fines, because state officials fear it depletes breeding-age catfish. It can also be dangerous: Noodlers hold their breath for long periods under water and sometimes come up with fistfuls of agitated snakes or snapping turtles instead of fish.

Missouri's biological concerns are that handfishers, who go for the biggest fish they can wrestle from riverbanks or hollow logs, will take too many sexually mature fish from their underwater nests.

While we at the institute are in favor of the trend to get outdated blue laws off the books, we had no idea this would lead to the botherment of sexually mature catfish.

*******************************************************************************


Oscar winning actress Liza Minnelli was hospitalized after falling out of bed.

No photo was available. Honest.

*******************************************************************************


Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova, was vacationing at the resort of Phuket, when she and her boyfriend were swept out of their bungalow by the tsunami over the weekend. She suffered a shattered hip and internal injuries but managed to survive by clinging to a palm tree for eight hours. Her boyfriend is still missing.

We wish her a speedy recovery, and we have great confidence in her full recovery, it is clear that supermodels are a hearty lot.


Petra Nemcova