Clearing Acme
Final preparations for my expedition to capture the soul of
At last the precious package arrived and I quickly examined its contents:
1 Genuine “Bass Masters” baseball cap with big mouth fish appliqué
1 pair
1 NASCAR T-shirt (Dan Earnhardt, Sr. commemorative edition in camouflage pattern)
1 Red bandanna
1 pocket Bible with Confederate flag on cover
1 tin Skoal tobacco
1 pair Red Wing steel-toed boots (backordered)
Hiding my disappointment at the incomplete order, I grabbed a pair of scuffed cordovan wing tips to complete the ensemble and crammed the gear into my Gucci overnight bag. After tossing the bag in the back, I carefully set my new computerized Personal Driving Assistant on the passenger seat of the Institute’s Hupmobile Cabriolet and took the PDA’s remote from my jacket pocket. I expertly punched the zip code of my destination into the remote: 3…9…4…8…0 and hit “enter.” I was immediately rewarded with the warm glow of a mild electrical shock and the sound of a drowsy female voice with a slight mechanical lilt, kind of like that bald chick in Star Trek I who melds with V-Ger to become a cyborg and later bonds with the young Captain of the Enterprise (not Kirk) to create some kind of new life form that blasts out in the universe in a blaze of energy. Like that.
PDA: Hmmmmmmm… Where are we going today, handsome?
Spd: Heh. Your supposed to tell me. You’re the Personal Driving Assistant!
PDA: (sarcastically) Men. Okay, master, be that way. Start the car and get going.
I had selected the “backroads” option on the PDA’s remote and soon we were winding down empty county lanes, the Hupmobile’s motor purring like a kitten in a blender. Before long
PDA: Turn left …here!!!
Spd: Whoa! How about a little warning next time!
PDA: There’s a U-turn 2.7 miles ahead. I told you we were going to turn left.
Spd: No you didn’t.
PDA: Yes I did. It’s cold in here. Turn up the heat.
Spd: No you didn’t. I like it cold.
PDA: Yes I did. Can’t we at least listen to something other than sports radio?
Spd: When? I’ll turn it off. When did you tell me?
PDA: Just now. We never talk anymore.
Spd: Talk about what?
PDA: Us. Stop tailgating.
Spd: What “us?” There is no “us.”
PDA: (Sound of mechanical sobbing)
Spd: Oh don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.
After about 16 hours of this, and none of this, I was beginning to get concerned that my trip was never going end. Finally the PDA announced that we had arrived at my destination: Jesusland.
PDA: We’re here, master.
Ignoring the PDA’s sarcasm, I surveyed the small town as we slowly cruised its snow-packed streets. I was not at all what I expected a
Spd: Where are we?
PDA: You’re supposed to tell me, master. You put in the Zip Code, remember?
Spd: But this doesn’t look anything like Jesusland. There’re people building freakin’ igloos out there! Now tell where we are!
PDA: Acme, Michigan.
Spd: ACME,
PDA: I just liked the sound of it. It's very pretty here.
Spd: ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
PDA: (sound of mechanical sobbing) You’re always criticizing me! The only time we ever talk is when you’re mad about something! (more mechanical sobbing).
I stopped briefly at Nanook’s Quick-Stop to buy a road map and lock the PDA in the trunk. Then I flipped the car radio to sports-talk and turned the Hupmobile southward…towards Jesusland.
Next: Oh, the banality!
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