Fashion Plates

I was going to blog earlier this week about the lastest kerfuffle over special license plates currently taking place in The Western Hemisphere's Oldest Deliberative Body, but I couldn't find the time to do the incredible stupidity justice. Waldo, on the otter heiny, did such a bang-up job of showing some Virginians to be a total bunch of droobling goobers that I suspect that he doesn't have a real job to attend to. Nevertheless, the story doesn't end with the idiocy of "traditional marriage" plates, so in the best spirit of The Institute and its Maximum Leader, I will now Pile On®

Vanity plates are a way of life in the Old Dominion. Virginia offers some 180 special plates to accessorize your ride and send a message to the world that you are a complete dork; everything from a "Parrot Head" tag for pathetically aging yuppie boomer scum Jimmy Buffett fans, to a State Insect plate. There's also available the cause of one of last's year's major cultural dust-ups, although for the life of me I can't recall the reason for all the controversy. If you are really bored you can check out all of the available plates here .

This year, there are, no kidding, 47 bills related to special license plates before the General Assembly. Instead of working on such minor issues as crime, taxes or education, our esteemed citizen-servants are pondering such weighty legislation as:

HB 1118 License plates, special; issuance incorporating image of a liberty penguin.
Sadly, this bill was left in committee. Failure to secure a Liberty Penguin license plate forever dooms the Libertarian Party dreams of capturing the White House.

HB 1600 License plates, special ; issuance to members of United Daughters of the Confederacy.
Hey, after all the Civil War was all about securing Equal Rights.

HB 1724 License plates, special; issuance to contributors of Va Housing Partnership Revolving Fund.
Huh? How about one that says "I Got A Tax Deduction"?

HB 1725 License plates, special; bearing legend: DRIVE SMART.
And LOOK DUMB doing it.

HB 2572 License plates, special; issuance of those bearing names, numbers, colors of stock car drivers.
Ibid.

HB 1758 License plates, special; issuance to supporters of Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation.
Marauding Rocky Mountain Elk have become a huge problem in Virginia.

HB 1990 License plates, special; issuance to members and supporters of Mustang Club of America.
Can a "Bitchin' Camaro" plate be far behind?

HB 1999 License plates, special; issuance to supporters of Salem Avalanche baseball team.
Yeah, all nine of them.

HB 2129 License plates, special; persons convicted to use yellow plates with red letters and numbers.
Summary as introduced:Driving with special license plates after conviction of DUI. Requires persons convicted of drunk driving a second or subsequent time who have registered motor vehicles in Virginia to use yellow license plates with red letters and numbers.
NOT1-2NV

HB 2270 License plates, special; issuance of those bearing legend: VIRGINIA WINES.
You can get yourself one of those special yellow license plates while supporting local industry!

HB 2179 License plates, special; issuance to those awarded Combat Infantryman Badge.
HB 2530 License plates, special; issuance to U.S. Marine Corps veterans.
SB 745 License plates, special; issuance of those bearing legend: CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.
Tailgate at your own risk.

HB 2781 License plates, special; issuance to Master Gardeners.
HB 2792 License plates, special; issuance to quilters.
WHAT ABOUT KNITTING, HUH? WHY ISN'T THERE A VIRGINIA KNITTERS PLATE?

HB 2271 License plates, special; issuance of those promoting lung cancer research and awareness.
Call for Philip Morris!

HB 2272 License plates, special; issuance to scuba divers.
HB 2501 License plates, special; issuance to members and supporters of Northern Virginia Swim League.
Okay, but where do you hang them???

HB 2342 License plates, special; issuance to law-enforcement chaplains.
Issued to last guy in the world to get a speeding ticket.

HB 2875 License plates, special; issuance of those bearing legend: SURF RIDER.
A BILL to amend the Code of Virginia by adding in Article 10 of Chapter 6 of Title 46.2 a section numbered 46.2-749.118, relating to special license plates bearing the legend: SURF RIDER.
More like bearing the legend "I AM A POSER."

Sadly, some special plates will be removed from circulation, having failed to sign up the minimum number of willing fatheads citizens by the end of the deadline. Here's few in no particular order that won't be seen on the highways and byways of the Old Dominion:
Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Optimist International, U.S. Pony Clubs, values of diversity, court-appointed special advocates, printers, beekeepers, barbershop quartet singing enthusiasts, and Holstein dairy cow.

I can't believe that nobody wanted a dairy cow on their car.
Or a penguin.