Sunday, July 31, 2005

Mainstream Eye For the Extremist Guy

What to do about John Roberts?

His family and his values are hopelessly outdated. If he's confirmed, America will be plunged back into the dark ages when blacks were 3/5 of a person and unmarried folks were forced to take onerous trips to the corner drugstore instead of wallowing in the joys of unprotected sex like the more enlightened couples of today.

Maybe if his family weren't tricked out like a trio of Easter eggs, the far Reich wing of the Republican Party could force Roberts past the heaving gorges of the American public without triggering the gagging reflex. Well I have the perfect solution. A celebrity makeover. Let's start with Little Jack:

Before: can you say Future Hitler Youth-in-Training? Let's freshen this look up a bit.

Muuuuuuuch better. The shaved head gets rid of the problematic blonde hair, and the white rapper shtick shows a commendable degree of racial confusion. Throw a few expletives into the mix and we've talking mainstream American values, baby.

Even better, this look combines the trendy Hispanic demographic with obvious gender confusion. A real winner. On to little Josie.

Holy Mother of God. I don't know where to start. A four-alarm fashion emergency.

Now this is a totally hot look for the grammar-school set. Porn-star chic with a little bling thrown in, and again, no trace of that off-putting Aryan look. Gotta love it. But I think we can do little Josie better.

This is totally bitchin'! What grade-schooler doesn't want to look like this - if you have to be blonde, be blonde with an attitude! Don't let those straight-laced spoilsports in the White House ruin your fun. Let your inner streetwalker out, Josie darling! It even looks like you might have a bun in the oven.

Give me an "U", give me an "P"... what's that spell? UPTIGHT. Is it any wonder the kids are adopted?

This is a great daytime look for the office, running errands, or impromptu visits to the White House. Un-stuffy, unpretentious, totally comfortable with herself. Wifey could learn a lot - hope she's paying close attention.

Or how about this fun and flirty look? Lose the blonde hair and the bra, honey. Ethnic is in in a BIG way. Free yourself.

And how can we forget Dad? We know he is partial to plaids, so we'll let him stay in his comfort zone.

This updated look is fresh and funky, turning the uptight, country-club look on its ear with an irreverent twist even Ted Kennedy will find irresistible.

Marketing is everything. With a little mainstreaming, the Grand Dragon should sail through the nomination process. I'm amazed Karl Rove didn't think of it.