Sunday, January 29, 2006

Happy New Year from the desk of Enid

Yeah....., happy new year capitalist running humans. I normally have better things to do than write for a blog site, blogger no less, but this is a/an (whatever) historic occasion.

First, it is my birthday. Thank you, thank you. Please do not send any gifts, anything you beta humans might send, if I want it, I already have it. Second, it is the Lunar New Year and the start of the year of the dog. That is the year of the gou for those of you not hip to Mandarin.

Anyways, I expect this intersection of important dates to prove ultimately quite important in a far reaching important sense. We'll see shan't we?

I full on expect this to be a year full of: ample hair to be shed, fancy new neckerchiefs, long naps followed by short naps, scratching yourself, manipulating others to scratch the places you can't get to, then licking yourself in places your scratcher can't get to, and of course simulated bacon products as a night night snack. Should be quite the year, putting the year of the rooster to shame.

I know some of you have been wondering, how the big E is getting on, what with having cancer and all. I know this because of the countless cards, letters, emails and blog comments. I didn't have cancer, my leg did. And I had it removed (the cancer not my leg eejits), for all practical purposes, I am right as the mail. And it don't get no righter than that. But I do preshyate cha.

Couldn't you just eat right out of her hands?



Saturday, January 28, 2006

I'm Looking For An Issue

I would like to open a WARROOM here at The Ebb & Flow Institute. A room where staff members monitor current events surrounding an issue and maintain a constant state of righteous hyper-tension as they plot strategies on a large wall map.

The problem is, my current mood ranges from bored to been there didn't do that the first time.

I need an issue.

If you have any spare issues, I would like to hear about it/them. But don't waste my time, I get bored easily, so strip it down to the g-string, parade it past me and see if I tip.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

This Post is About Google and Stuff

Do you like posts that make a good point with very few words and lots of pictures?


Me too.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Bass Fishing with Famous People



Bass Fishing With Famous People partners famous mega-superstars with professional Bass Fishermen to compete for an unprecedented BassMasters Bass Fishing title. Hosted by seasoned fishing show host persons Larry Csonka and Bai Ling, the show features some of the most recognized and celebrated names in professional bass fishing and a mix of celebrities who span a wide spectrum within the entertainment industry.

Collectively the participants have won 40 Bass Fishing medals and have caught thousands of pounds of bass fishes. Over the course of these seven riveting episodes, the celebrities and their professional partners will travel to some of the hottest bass fishing reservoirs and deliver some heart pounding fantastic bass action.

Heath Ledger, star of the critically acclaimed smokin' hot box office smash hit Brokeback Mountain, speaks to bass.

I wish I knew how to........catch you!

Rising young star on the BASSMASTER circuit Jeff Coble coaches his celebrity partner, front person for the rock band Hole.

Be the crankbait Courtney. Be the crankbait.

Watch as Don Francisco, the indispensable host of the variety show Sabado Gigante reels in many basses.

I corazón grande bass.

Heather Graham star of the long running ABC hit drama Emily's Reasons Why Not, guts bass fishing like a fish.

To me, successful bass fishing is all about building relationships.

Paris Hilton pauses for a moment after some hot bass action to freshen up her pork rind.

Catching things is easy.

Ray Nagin, one of the most entertaining mayors in US history multitasks on the show, fishin' and a thinkin'.

I think, if we put our heads together we could come up with a colorful euphemism for large mouth black bass.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Lots to Think About

I was sitting here wondering at what age a beverage becomes an adult beverage when the local news weather person (who is not a babe) said that not only is the weekend right around the corner, but so is the word rain.

Shit, the word rain is right around the corner. What corner? The one by the hallway leading from the great room to the visitors center? The corner outside? Is it a one dimensional word like I see when I read the word rain? Or is it a full blown three-dimensional word? Either way my recovering from cancer dog will not be pleased. Enid will not be pleased, not even one iota.

Enid doesn't even know what an iota is. Come to think of it, I don't either. I don't even know if iota is spelled correctly. Where do you go to look crap like that up. It might surprise you to know that I don't know this stuff even though I once spent sixteen glorious months living in Iowa.

Rain was not just right around the corner when I was in Iowa, it was backing up from the sewer system into my hallway. Shit. And potato peels from the guy upstairs making potato soup. Throw them away dude, don't run them down the disposal. Don't you know it is flooding? God must have been angry with Des Moines. Fortunately he was less angry with West Des Moines because our water plant didn't flood.

West Des Moines isn't very chocolate.

They say once a city goes chocolate it never goes back.

It is just too much to think about.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

4 out of 5 Analyst Recommend Missile Strikes For Their Clients Who Fight Terrorists

I have been chewing on this for a day now, and I feel I must respectfully disagree with the gentleman pictured to the right. It has now been reported that four or five foreign terrorist may have bitten the dust in a US missile attack over the weekend.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to just go and ruin peoples dinner, and I don't want to do anything to cause our relationship with Pakistan to decay; but if you are having dinner with some of the worlds most wanted men, then you are assuming the risk of dealing with the fangs of the so called "paper tiger". If you choose to take this risk, brace yourself, there might just be a huge cavity where your dinner table once rested.

Let's not put a glossy enamel on this just to maintain our relationship with Pakistan. We shouldn't have to apologize for killing terrorists and those who harbor them. Certainly, if children were killed,(and we have no way of knowing) that would be nothing to smile about, but the responsibility for their deaths has to reside with their parents who associate with mass-murderers.

This may not be a toothsome proposition for some Pakis, it may leave them chagrined, but if you provide safe haven for terrorists you run the risk of having your chicklets kicked in.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Gore Defends Innocent Civilian's Liberty--Slams Bush

Former Vice President Al Gore called on Monday for an independent counsel to investigate whether President George W. Bush broke the law in authorizing eavesdropping without court approval.

"A special counsel should be immediately appointed by the attorney general to remedy the obvious conflict of interest that prevents him from investigating what many believe are serious violations of law by the president," Gore said in a speech to The Popular Front for the American Constitution Liberation Society.

"As we begin this new year, the Executive Branch of our government has been caught eavesdropping on huge numbers of citizens and has brazenly dispatched an assassination drone acting on illegally obtained information that led to the death of 17 innocent women and children; who were merely trying to have a dinner party in their privacy of their constitutionally protected home", Gore stated to an attentive audience.

"At present, we still have much to learn about the NSA's surveillance. What we do know about this pervasive wiretapping virtually compels the conclusion that the President of the United States has been breaking the law repeatedly and persistently. If things do not change innocent civilians will continue to be in grave danger when they try to invite respected leaders of international organizations to join them in breaking bread", Gore remarked emphatically to a chanting crowd.

The assembled crowd sways to the soothing lilt that is the voice of Al Gore.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

An Excerpt From the Alito Hearings

............well, enough about my thoughts on these important constitutional matters, we have a few minutes left, let me ask you a question.


What are your thoughts on my opening statement?

Very impressive.

Thank you.

I really like that thing you do where you take long pauses, making a thoughtful "uuuhhh" sound, with a deep thinking intellectual look on you face.

I've been working on that.

I can tell.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

My Gift to You....Because I Care

I love this painting, but for the spot I have in mind it needs to be at least 18"x24". If only medical science could help.

If Pa finds out......sharia shotgun divorce baby!!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Coming Soon to Discriminating Theatres Near You

Brokeback Jihadis

A raw, powerful story of two young Marin County goat herders who flee their culture's heteronormative oppression in search of self-actualization and spiritual fulfillment.

The two protagonists meet in 2003 on their way to an Islamic Conflict Resolution and Cultural Harmony Camp somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.

In the close quarters of their pup tent the two budding Jihadis taste the forbidden fruit of unprotected man-love that is never spoken of in their sexually repressed homeland of Northern California.

In the open and tolerant environment of their Jihadi love camp the two young men form the kind of life long bond the likes of which few in western society are capable.

"Like the prophet Muhammad (peace be unto him), we accept and love all people, whatever lifestyle choice they have made."

Because of their strict adherence to the Jihadi Health and Safety Administration's guidelines the two young Jihadis return home and go their separate ways after three years of the rewarding but often dangerous duty of spreading the Prophets love.

In their home country where homosexuals are routinely rounded up and persecuted the two lovers yearn for their days back in the pup tent.

"I want all those people who are orientered differently than us, rounded up!"

In this era of unconstitutional dictatorship, homo Jihadis are routinely arrested and held as enemy combatants, forced to do back breaking work at an undisclosed location somewhere in Wyoming.

"It's a deeply felt, emotional love story that deals with the uncharted, mysterious ways of the human heart just as so many mainstream films have before it. The two lovers here just happen to be homo Jihadis."-- Kenneth Turan, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"This is one of the best serious films about Jihadi homosexuality ever made..."-- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Director Ang Lee infuses every frame with conviction and tenderness though the powerful ewww factor of the two lovers trying to lead a heterosexual lifestyle will keep away most moviegoers. 3 1/2 STARS for the thematically disturbing but expertly crafted “Brokeback Jihadi." --Michael Medved, Eye on Entertainment

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Dear Stupid British Homos,

Coming soon....Brokeback Jihadis.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Editors Note-Part I

As the head of the think tank Institute which is known to those in the know as The Ebb & Flow Institute, I feel it is my duty to make a short announcement. We here are the Institute had hoped to post during the holidays more of the light hearted yet deadly serious world class journalism that many...., many of you have come to expect from the Institute.

This was our wish. Our way of brightening up your days while keeping you up to date on the important events of the day. This was to be our way of giving back to the community when so many bloggers are taking it easy.

This did not happen. Rest assured we have not been taking it easy. No. We have been working on some renovations here at the Institute's World Headquarters, and we have allocated an inordinate amount of time lately caring for the infirm. You might say we have been busier than a one-legged paper hanger in a brass bra.

Please keep checking in with us, you never know when or where you might stumble across an award winning blog post, and we do love your comments on issues ranging from chewing pudding to hog rentals.