Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
The Ebb & Flow Institute--An Employee Testimonial
Hello Institute website readers, my name is Claire, and I work at The Ebb & Flow Institute.
I haven't always worked at the Institute. In fact I used to work at a different job, but when the Institute opened up the big think tank supercenter out on the Truck Route I decided to submit one of them applications papers. You see, I heard that the Institute was employing many different kinds of peoples. While I am not many different kinds of peoples but just one kind of different peoples, I thought I had as good a shot as some of them other kinds of peoples I saw standing in line to get one of them papers of application.
When I started I was what folks call an hourly employee, but I done a good job and pretty soon they offered me a promotions into the customer service departments. I worked real good at servicing customers and it warn't long atall before they called me up to the personnel departments.
I been here going on 9 years, give or take, and I can't know how I could be no happier. When I started I had no idear of the glorious career opportunities that would unfold before me like cheap tables at a family reunion come grub time.
Yep. I'm Claire, and I work at The Ebb & Flow Institute SuperCenter out here on FM 5729 in Humble Texas.
Food--The Importance of Deliciousness
It is my opinion that food that is delicious is preferable in all ways to food that is not delicious. By preferable, I mean the food has a higher kickass to pie hole ratio. This is often expressed ka/ph.
I am aware that there are those who would disagree with this assessment, but this is my opinion, and I am confident that when all the facts are known about food, I will be vindicated.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Lectures We Wouldn't Pay To See
Listening to the radio on my way back from the beach, I concluded that there is an awful lot of BS in this world. And if you turn on your cable TV on Saturday morning, you'll see there must be a thousand ways to make money off some gullible fool.
Here at the Institute we worry about your welfare. So as soon as I got back, the staff got right to work compiling this list of lectures we don't recommend you pay good money to see:
1. Overcoming Anger Management Issues – by Al Franken
2. The Day I Became A Conservative – by Senator John McCain
3. My Secret Diet Tips: Nibble Your Way To A Size Ten- by Mike Tyson
4. Accepting Blame (Being A Man When Things Go Wrong) – Senator John Forbes Kerry and his Secret Service Agent
5. Impartiality In The Newsroom Reporting – Dan Rather
6. Sexual Harassment: My Hidden Shame – Helen Thomas
7. 10 Rainy Day Games to Play with the Kiddies – by Michael Jackson
8. My Secrets to Successful Economic Forecasting by Paul Krugman
9. The Faith Of My Forefathers – by Madeleine Murray O’Hare
10. “No Means No”: Is It Time for Zero Tolerance Policies? Bill Clinton
11. “Diplomacy on Capitol Hill (You Catch More Flies With Honey Than With Vinegar)” – Howard Dean
12. Healing Racial Divisions - The Reverend Al Sharpton
13. Now More Than Ever: Religious Tolerance In A Post-9/11 World - Michael Graham
14. Interracial Relationships Can Work: My Story - by OJ Simpson
15. Supporting the Troops: Every American’s Patriotic Duty – by Dick Durbin
Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section. If we see a good one, we may award a valuable prize. Maybe even cash money.
Monday, August 22, 2005
MoveOn to Hagel--Thank You No
The mainstream Democrat organization MoveOn.org today announced that despite continued overtures,and the occasional **nudge nudge/wink wink** they would no longer be using any Chuck Hagel quotes in their advertising. A spokesbat for MoveOn who spokesbatted to an EFI reporter on the condition of anonymity stated "we have a limited budget, we appreciate the efforts of the Senator from Nebraska, but we have to spread it around a bit".
Sunday, August 21, 2005
From the Halls of Academe--Double Translated
I enjoyed the link provided by Jehane where Star Wars was translated into Chinese and then back into English again. So, for your viewing pleasure, I have translated the previous post into Chinese, and then back into something resembling English. Enjoy.
The snapshot which classifies from the first week and which piles one partly takes from Academe hall several a public school chemistry instructor.
"Is a your good person. "
"This kind is hard?"
"You have yesterday made any important?"
"You go to Nebraska University ? How have you gone to Texas?"
Is long and the dirty fable, the full plot, the deviation and the morals are mean. "
" Humph. "
" I here obtained have equally quickly looked like me to be able. "
" Oh. "
"So when they give the place which the mouse the chemotherapy clothing anesthetic you the wife serves, their hair falls down?"
"Certainly, but they give them the little baseball hat therefore they not to feel from already the conscience. "
"Uh person, gentleman. O needs you completely and has not separated. "
"I thought you said you are a good person. "
"So you meant we are the bad kind?"
"Does not have, You are the good kind, You display extremely."
"I am a student which you likes, Right?"
From soundly fell asleep and her thumb reliably plants on the other day by hers head on hers desk in hers cake hole girl, "our group meeting wants to do an experiment in the seminal fluid. "
"We meet want to perform a time of experiment rather to be able to give us in any people, 50 minute or a US dollar. "
"what is your hypothesis?"
"We thought the people rather can give us a 50 minute ratios US dollar.
"How did you propose tests your hypothesis?"
"Which do we take a walk in all directions in the school with the institutional records of a reign ask others for help they rather to be able to give us, 50 minute or a US dollar. "
"I do not like me the seat which assigns. "
"You are in you are the same seat has assigned in front of the seat in me. "
"I knew, But the people suck nearby me. "
From the Halls of Academe
A few assorted snapshots from Pile's first week and a half as a public school chemistry instructor.
"Are you a nice guy."
"Is this class going to be hard?"
"Did you do anything important yesterday?"
"You went to the University of Nebraska? How did you get to Texas?"
"That is a long and sordid tale, full of intrigue, deviance and moral turpitude."
"I got here as quick as I could."
"So when they are giving the mice chemotherapy drugs where your wife works, does their hair fall out?"
"Of course, but they give them little baseball caps so they don't feel self-conscience."
"Uh people, Mr. O needs your complete and undivided."
"I thought you said you were a nice guy."
"So you are saying we are a bad class?"
"No, you are a good class, you have just been behaving badly."
"I am your favorite student, right?"
From the girl who was sound asleep the previous day with her head on her desk and her thumb planted firmly in her pie hole, "Our group would like to do an experiment on sperm."
"We would like to conduct an experiment on what people would rather give us, fifty cents or a dollar."
"What is your hypothesis?"
"We think people would rather give us fifty cents than a dollar."
"How do you propose testing your hypothesis?"
"We would go around the school and ask people which they would rather give us, fifty cents or a dollar."
"I don't like my assigned seat."
"You are in the same seat you were before I assigned seats."
"I know, but the people around me suck."
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
From the "Keepin' It Real" Department of Urban Culture at the Institute:
We hate to assault you with such life-shaking, faith-challenging news so early in the morning, but sometimes we have to put our emotions aside and focus on our responsibility to the truth. And so we urgently announce that the man formerly known as Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puffy and P. Diddy has made it official: From this moment onward, he will now be known as simply “Diddy.”
Say it slowly. Leave the “p” behind. Look towards the future. Let it roll off your tongue: Diddy.
Why the change? “I needed to simplify things,” said the hip-hop mogul. Diddy also plans to “go more rock ‘n’ roll” with his look, and says he’s inspired by Mick Jagger and David Bowie. Keep an eye out for the Diddy Stardust press conference, which should hit in about 3 months.
Update 8:32 He’s actually on the Today Show right now, making a live announcement of this change. “I felt the ‘p’ was coming between me and my fans,” says Diddy.
"One word. Five letters. Period," says the hip-hop heavyweight, who swears he isn't taking the P. out of his name to yank our chain - or as a publicity stunt.
Apart from the frustration of constantly having to tell people what to call him, Diddy says he worried that the name P. Diddy could be bad for business.
"I went to a concert in Madison Square Garden last year and the crowd started to chant my name," he says dryly.
Whereas "Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy" just trips off the tongue like a twelve-dollar ho' with a wallet full of cash.
Sheer street poetry. Just remember, you heard it here first.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
For A Second There I Thought Pile On Became A Monk
I think Pile On has been pulling our leg. Sure, he told us he became a teacher, but aren't Monks often teachers, also? I think I found Pile On out thanks to this story:
The abbey of Saint Sixtus of Westvleteren in western Belgium is home to some 30 Cistercian and Trappist monks who lead a life of seclusion, prayer, manual labor -- and beer-brewing.
A survey of thousands of beer enthusiasts from 65 countries on the RateBeer Web site (www.ratebeer.com) in June rated the Westvleteren 12 beer as the world's best.
But the abbey only has a limited brewing capacity, and was not able to cope with the beer's sudden popularity. "Our shop is closed because all our beer has been sold out," said a message on the abbey's answering machine, which it calls the "beer phone."
And the abbey has no intention of boosting its capacity to satisfy market demand.
"We are not brewers, we are monks. We brew beer to be able to afford being monks," the father abbot said on the abbey's Web site.
I realized Pile On had not become a monk when I read this comment:
Monk Mark Bode told De Morgen daily: "Outsiders don't understand why we are not raising production. But for us life in the abbey comes first, not the brewery."If Pile On had been there, you see, it would have been about the beer.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
A Public Service Announcement from The Onlette™
If you are in the area of the Sturgis Bike Rally and you see this sumbitch........
....riding this bike,
......give him a wide berth.
He would just as soon gut you like a fish as look at you.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Pile in the Public Schools
After five days of mind-numbingly boring orientation, a Superintendent led convocation that shocked the hell out of me (in a good way) ; the details of which I have no intention of sharing in a public forum, and several 12-14 hour days of preparation Pile has had his first day of teaching 6 courses of Chemistry.
And I need a cold beer. For my throat.
I intend to get more efficient at my job. I don't know when that will be. In the mean time, blogging will be sporadic and light, it comes second to my students. Even the ones that are already a pain in the ass. I don't know if it's a dose of Pile, but Lord knows they need something.
Since when does school start on August 11th?
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Science Is Wonderful
Finally, a credible explanation for Al Gore:
Yet abduction narratives often have another, less explicit, dimension that Dr. Clancy suspects may be central to their power. Consider this comment, from a study participant whom Dr. Clancy calls Jan, a middle-age divorcée engaged in a quest for personal understanding: "You know, they do walk among us on earth. They have to transform first into a physical body, which is very painful for them. But they do it out of love. They are here to tell us that we're all interconnected in some way. Everything is."
At a basic level, Dr. Clancy concludes, alien abduction stories give people meaning, a way to comprehend the many odd and dispiriting things that buffet any life, as well as a deep sense that they are not alone in the universe. In this sense, abduction memories are like transcendent religious visions, scary and yet somehow comforting and, at some personal psychological level, true.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***
The Ebb & Flow Institute announces it has joined its first major and very important blog alliance.
Conservative Bloggers Who Support The Gay Judge Roberts
We are not saying that Judge Roberts is gay. But even if he is, the Conservative Bloggers Who Support the Gay Justice Roberts still support him. Even if he is gay.
For more information on this important, consequential, soon to be major, meaningful, momentous, significant, weighty blog alliance we kindly ask that you visit their well thought out and beautifully conceived website, Conservative Bloggers Who Support The Gay Judge Roberts.
There are two reasons the Institute has decided to join this alliance. Please allow me to start with reason one, and then I will move directly to reason number two.
Reason #1. We at the Institute are not saying Judge Roberts is gay, but if he is gay, which we are not saying, then we think his gayness would be good for the Supreme Court. Why? Because happy justices make happy rulings. The pursuit of happiness is one of at least three pillar type thingies this country was founded on. Good.
Reason #2. The left says we need a balanced court, a moderate must be replaced by a moderate. We at the Institute are not saying the left is right, but if the left is right, which we are not saying, then appointing the Gay Judge Roberts would provide much needed balance to the decidedly ungay Ruth Baby Ginsberg. More Good.
Unhappy judge who makes unhappy rulings.
To join the alliance of blogs who support the Gay Judge Roberts e-mail the founders at welikegayjudgeroberts -at- yahoo -dot- com, then link the official Blogsite on your Blog's sidebar, along with the official picture shown above.
Disclaimer--if the Gay Judge Roberts turns out to be another Republican nominee like Souter or Kennedy, this post will be deleted, never to be spoken of again.
Friday, August 05, 2005
First things first.
Unlike mein host, old Jehane is all about equal-opportunity oinkitude. And none of that fake stuff neither - so head on over here and check out some real American men and women.
Ladies first, too.
I don't know about you, but after a few brewskis and a long work week English has a tendency to become my second fricking language. Sometimes all you can do is laugh it off. I found these signs at engrish.com:
Hmmm.... I wonder what his secret superpower is?
We have got to get those vitamin supplements away from Grandpa...
Look on the bright side... how many people can say they're capable of functioning as their own nightlight?
You're not from around here, are you?
Don't even think of bringing that nasty thing in here with you. Just park it over there, buddy.
Oh for crap's sake... if I'd known it was going to be this much trouble I'd have sent my older brother in...
The hidden dangers of molten lava...
It's a good idea to keep a spare one around for emergencies.
Even better, if you haven't seen the latest StarWars movie, here's the foreign version (warning - contains plot spoiler):
But my absolute favorite sign comes from a US government installation you all would recognize. I admit to having had it purloined from the bathroom. It said:
RESTROOM CLOSED FOR PAINTING AND REPAIRS
SORRY FOR THE INCONTINENCE.
Your federal tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen.
Whatever you do, have a great weekend folks... and be careful out there.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Don't Be Alarmed
I have returned to the Institute unharmed, so if you were worried sick about my continued well being, let me put you at ease. Thanks to the good folks at Delta I returned home very late last night, but I did receive a job offer as I sat and waited in the Salt Lake City airport. I started that job early this morning, so I am a bit fried, but I will post again when able.
Let's give a big The Ebb & Flow Institute hand to Jehane and KJ for filling in nicely in my short yet seemingly long absence.
And thank you, for your continued patronage.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I may not know much about great Art, but I know what I like...
...and this ain't it.
After he got back from the Sexual Harassment Workshop, people said Gunny Lopez just didn't seem right.
Oh, Fifi seemed to have "Oui" down just fine. It was "Non" that didn't seem to be penetrating that wooly little head of hers.
Ever since he'd gotten ahold of his brother's comic books, Cuthbert seemed to have an irrational fear of bunnies...
On second thought, Bernice decided the pink shoes did make her butt look smaller.
Barbara always hated it when the Nurse Ratchett said, "Now this won't hurt a bit, dearie..."
People said years of playing MLB had changed Rafael... but what did they know? They were just jealous.
Reluctantly, Phyllis was forced to admit her skills as a Pet Psychic might need a little work.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Because, in the end, it all boils down to respect:
Four restaurants had applied for permission to have dancers perform. They wanted to host hula dancing, flamenco dancing, belly dancing.
The planning staff recommended OKing the requests, but then came the point of contention, the point that set the dancer’s bells jingling:
The city tried to define “cultural dancing,” breaking it down into an itemized list. This, many dancers said, was harmful and disrespectful and would affect belly dancers most of all.
Well that would just tend to jingle my bells too, durnitall.
“We have to work hard to gain the respect of other dance styles,” said Connie Picard. “We’re taken for granted because everybody thinks we’re strippers.”
The nerve of some people...at any rate, the ensuing discussing proved educational for those who might be tempted to make that mistake:
“There is some confusion today as to what the meaning of breast is,” he offered. “The code is rather specific.”
I should hope so: the image of a rash of random undefined and unregulated breasts breaking out like the measles all over Ghent and annoying the citizenry is simply too awful to contemplate.
On tipping, the dancers spoke of how money is traditionally thrown at the dancers, who touch neither it nor the patrons. The commission was OK with that.
Others spoke of various belly dancing forms, which often require the dancer to place [various unspecified] body parts besides the feet on the floor.
“We’ve been doing this forever, some longer than others, [Good God] and we know what we’re doing,” said dance teacher Sonia Monson.
Nothing reassures the beleaguered official like promises of professional competence.
Zoby again tried to reassure them. “The movements of belly dancing that are the true, cultural movements of the belly dancer would be OK.”
“If there’s no complaint, the city never hears about it,” added Melita. [thereby answering the age-old question, "If there is a lap-dance and no one ever files a complaint, has a cultural event occurred?"] “If there is, there are some standards here so that when someone does complain, we know what’s permissible and what’s not.”
“We definitely respect your freedom to express yourselves in our city,” said Boose-Jackson. “Norfolk has a serious past where there were all kinds of X-rated clubs. We don’t want anything to slip under the radar.”
Indeed. The more frivolous x-rated clubs outside NOB were never a problem. It is the grimmer sort we want to keep out of our fair city. One likes to keep one's fun... well, fun.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Which of the following best describes the Hairy Ball Theorm?
a) "Like, if you want me to do that, you need to wax just like I do."
b) There is no nonvanishing continuous tangent vector field on the sphere. Or, less briefly, if f is a continuous function that assigns a vector in R3 to every point p on a sphere, and for all p the vector f(p) is a tangent direction to the sphere at p, then there is at least one p such that f(p) = 0.
c) There is always a place on Earth where the air is perfectly still.
d) It explains why female tennis players grunt so loudly during serve.
Feeling That Crazy MLB Love
Sports Frog is ragging on Psycho Boy again. Maybe this story explains why he escaped the axe once again:
Talks over the phone between Orioles VP of baseball operations Jim Beattie and Marlins GM Larry Beinfest about acquiring Florida pitcher A.J. Burnett took a dramatic turn late last night when the pair found themselves engaged in phone sex.
Rumors were that the two-way conversation was supposed to blossom into a three-way trade, but as things heated up, apparently the two gentlemen became...err, distracted:
“I was getting tired and told him I wanted to get out of my work clothes and put on something more comfortable,” said Beattie. “He asked me what I was wearing. I told him Dockers and a polo shirt and it turned out he was wearing the same thing. And before I knew it, my pants were down around my ankles and I was muttering: ‘Oh, yeah. You want me to pick up 100 percent of Mike Lowell’s contract, don’t you? Come on, you know you want it. Tell me you need another prospect to make this deal happen. That’s right, make me work for it.’”
Beattie said he doesn’t think the incident says anything about the sexual preference of either executive.
Umm...whatever. You just go on believin' that. Meanwhile, Red Sux fans can breathe a big sigh of relief...or not:
All is good once again in Boston this morning as Ramirez stayed put, hit a 400 bouncer single to win the game, unleashed "Manny being Manny" in an interview with a grin, and received adulation from the Red Sox fans in his pinch hit appearance. His team-killing craziness of the earlier part of the week is apparently forgotten. For now.
So...is Manny just being Manny, or is there another side to the story?
Or is there something more sinister going on???
I need to run to the store. I'm fresh out of melodrama.