Tuesday, December 27, 2005


This blog does not rent pigs!

UPDATE: There are no circumstances under which we will rent pigs, so please do not try and come up with hypothetical situations where we might rent pigs. This just isn't that kind of blog.

Thank you, and good day.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

The Staff, Management, Flora and Fauna of The Ebb & Flow Institute Wish You A Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Best Post of 2005 Contest

Mister Snitch is hosting a contest for the best post of 2005, read all about it here.

I am going to make a couple of nomination (other peoples posts, not my own). This got me thinking about my own posts and which would have the best chance of not coming in last in the humor category.

The Ebb & Flow Institute 2005 Year in Review.

1. The End of the Trail Series.

The adventures of Ward Churchill and Sithole the trans-gendered track star from Zimbabwe. Part I, II, III, IV, V.

2. Excerpts From The Rice Confirmation Hearings.

One of my personal favorites.

3. The Good The Bad & Pile

This was probably my most linked post that didn't involve female teachers having sex with their students.

4. An Inquiry Into The Nature And Mental Wealth Of Bloggers.

Part I and II. These are the posts that started the pudding blogging phenomenon.

5. Royal Mascot Shocker

A few moments with Camilla and the Wichita State University mascot.

6. The Wild Jihadi Series

Part I--Introduced Species in Iraq

Part II--Wild Jihadis in London Infiltrated

7. The On Liberty Curve

This was not a humor post, but one that I consider to be good, and it represents the kind of work that we here at the Institute pride ourselves on.

8. Where All The Flowers Go

This post has not yet stood the test of time, but a few freepers seem to like it, and a few don't realize it is satire, which for me is one of the great joys of writing satire.

Which Institute post do you think would be most likely to not come in last in a Best Post of 2005 contest?
The End of the Trail Series.
Excerpts From The Rice Confirmation Hearings.
The Good The Bad & Pile.
An Inquiry Into The Nature And Mental Wealth Of Bloggers.
Royal Mascot Shocker.
The Wild Jihadi Series.
The On Liberty Curve.
Where All The Flowers Go.
None of the above (or any other for that matter).

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


The Pudding Industry Council is committed to developing industry-wide, science-based strategies to solve the problem of food mastication. The council will accomplish this by identifying, funding and prioritizing research from the pudding farm to the table; developing programs to help industry segments operate in todays business environment; speaking with one voice in seeking regulatory and legislative solutions; developing and implementing industry information programs to assist in the transfer of technology into the marketplace, and providing pertinent, accurate and reliable information to consumers.

In Todays busy world, who has time to waste manducating?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Great Moments in the Democrat's War on Things That Terrorize Them

After the 94 elections, one question my administration had to answer was, using the authority I have, how do we effectively detect enemies hiding in our midst and prevent them from striking us again?

We know that a two-minute phone conversation between somebody linked to the RNC and an operative in Congress could lead directly to the loss of dozens of congressional seats. To prevent this, we must be able to act fast and to detect these conversations so we can prevent new political setbacks.

So, consistent with U.S. law and the Constitution, I authorize the interception of cellular communications of people with known links to Republican leadership and related right wing organizations.

This program is carefully reviewed after every election to ensure it is being used properly. Democrat Leaders in the United States Congress have been briefed more than a dozen times on this program. --President Bill Clinton

Sunday, December 18, 2005


It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas here at The Ebb & Flow Institute.

This Silver Maple tree that resides on what is today the grounds of The Ebb & Flow Institute is believed to have been planted by General Sam Houston during a break on his advance toward San Jacinto.

Even in times of war a man must pause to be a responsible steward of the planet.... now..... fetch me a shovel, we got us a tree to plant.--General Sam Houston

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Where All The Flowers Go

Klaus-Dieter Dubon, a retired Bavarian notary and children's literature expert has unearthed new evidence that Adolph Hitler wrote a book for children during the final months before he took his own life in the waning days of World War II.

The book entitled Where All the Flowers Go, is said to be a beautifully woven tale that warns children about the dangers of growing up to be fascist dictators. It is believed that Adolph had intended for the royalties to go to nonprofit agencies that help troubled youths who might otherwise grow up to invade neighboring countries.

These new revelations have sent shockwaves through the academic and political world as historians try to make sense of just what this means. Noted professor of religion and African-American studies at Princeton University Cornel West said in an interview with Democracy Now, "what are the prevailing dogmas of our day? Free market fundamentalism. The market is a idol as fetish. The private sector somehow having these mystical capacities to solve problems as opposed to being constructs of human beings, driven by profit. What are the realities of our day? The reality of escalating militarism. The reality of Hitler as Hitler. The reality of Bush as Hitler, only now Hitler isn't Hitler so what is Bush? I think it is fair to say Bush has never written any children's literature. One have to wonder, would we have this advancing imperialism had Barbara Bush read this book to her children?

Many celebrities held a candlelight vigil at the Holocaust museum near San Quentin California. Joan Baez addressed the crowd from a small plywood stage set up just outside the gates."The allies advance on Berlin can now only be seen as a planned, efficient, calculated, antiseptic, cold-blooded murder and I think everyone who is here is here to try to enlist the morality and soul of this country. Yes, Adolph's violent past was well known, but he had become a textbook version of rehabilitation as he was trapped in his bunker for months on end. Clearly this author was not the same man that invaded Poland. The fact he was forced to execute himself was a travesty of justice. His book could have answered the question of where all the flowers have gone, years before a generation felt the pain of my query".

The gathered crowd was brought to tears when Jesse Jackson solemnly spoke them. "The victors in war have always written the history of western civilization, hey hey ho ho, it is time to re-examine the history that must go. What else have we been taught that isn't so?"

Jackson went on, "What is certain is that Adolph tried to be a voice reaching out to the voiceless. He tried to encouraged youth to lift themselves up so as not to end up as fascist dictators who start world wars. Had he not been silenced, his voice might have reached impoverished and alienated youth in places police dare not tread. Through his personal transformation in a bunker, he could have brought light to dark places because he knew where to look for dark places. He spoke truth to power with a sincere knowledge of what would lie ahead for these youth, giving them a stark look at what their future could be if they didn't renounce aggressive imperialism and gas chambers. And they would have listened, because he was one of them.

Amnesty International also condemned the forced self-execution of Hitler.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A Point to Ponder

Okay, I agree the show was bad, criminally gawdawful even. But can someone tell me why the state of California is going to execute Tootie?

While Natalie is allowed to walk free?


Saturday, December 10, 2005

Iranian President Ahmadinejad's Defeatism

Iranian President Ahmadinejad re-ignited the debate over the Israeli conflict with his remarks to a San Antonio radio station on Sunday. "The idea that Israel is going to win the war is just plain wrong. Sharon has a permanent commitment to a failed strategy" Ahmadinejad went on to say, "Israel needs to be out of there and take the targets off their civilians' back."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad implied that European countries backed the founding of Israel in the Middle East in 1948 based on manipulated intelligence regarding chemical and biological weapons and an exaggerated threat to the Jewish people in the West's head long rush to establish the Zionist state.

Ahmadinejad renewed his call for Israel to strategically redeploy their troops to some place near Israel, perhaps a few hundred miles west of Tel Aviv, laying out what he said was another option for victory in Transjordan. "I want to make it clear" he said, " I am not calling for an imediate withdrawal, but a smooth and orderly withdawal over the next six months."

Ahmadinejad went on to say, "I wish the British and Americans had paid more attention to the history of the area before the Zionist occupation began. I am convinced, and everything that I've read, the conclusion I've reached is there will be less terrorism, there will be less danger to the Jews, and it'll be less insurgency once the IDF is out and Israel is located somewhere in Germany or Switzerland.

New Study Bolsters Claim of Left's Sexual Superiority

Details can be found here.

Friday, December 09, 2005


The Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs On How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs Foundation Presents......

How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs On How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs.

"Stop Leaving Your Success To Chance - I Will Personally Sell You A DVD That Will Train You To Master the Art of Making Thousand of Dollars Every Month Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVD's, Even If You Have No Money, And No Previous Experience Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money!!!!"


"A little while back, I was browsing through the best scholary blogs, just like you are now, and came across an article similar to this one that said you could make thousands of dollars every week with only an initial adjustment of $29.95! So I thought, yeah, right, this must be a scam? But like most of you (us), I was curious, so I just kept reading. " Davion Herbruckster, New Albion, Ohio.

IMPORTANT: This is not a rip-off, and it is virtually no risk? It really works!

PLEASE NOTE: Please follow the instructions on the DVD on How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs on How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs EXACTLY, and $50,000 or more can be yours in twenty to sixty three days.

" I am Botaz Gorad, the Chairman and CEO of the Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs On How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs Foundation, and it's not just about dvds. This course gives you the edge on selling dvds on how to make money selling dvds that other dvds on how to make money selling dvds on how to make money selling dvds just don't have".

Botaz Gorad, is the founder of the Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs On How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs Foundation and is a consultant to corporate and professional dvd investment companies. He has led numerous how to make money selling dvds seminars and is the author of the soon-to-be-released book, How To Make Large Amounts Of Money Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs.

You Have The Ability To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs on How to make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs!!!

Did you know that there is only one hurdle that keeps almost 97.672% of people from making money selling dvds on how to make large amounts of money selling dvds on how to make large amounts of money? They don't know how to get started?

"I Finally Started To Earn Money Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs when I finally ordered the dvd on how to make large amounts of money selling dvds from the How To Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVD's on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs Foundation". Russell Pennygrove, Chandler Arizona.

Order Now and get 100% Free Access To DVDs On How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs on How to Make Large Amounts of Money Selling DVDs. You will have personal access to, Audio And Video Tutorials Powerful Enough To Put Checks Into Anyone's Pockets!!


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

John Kerry on Face the Nation--An Excerpt

"And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command, terrorizing kids and children, you know, turning on the power, alarming cattle and goats, randomly leaving up toilet seats, and generally ravaging refrigerators in the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied eating power of this country, breaking sort of the customs of the – of – the historical customs, religious customs in a fashion reminiscent just to the left of Rush Limbaugh," Kerry said Sunday.....

"Whether you like it or not ... Iraqis should be doing that."

Monday, December 05, 2005

2005 Weblog Awards

It is time all Institute patrons to do their patriotic duty and vote in the 2005 Weblog Awards. I know many of you are disappointed that The Ebb & Flow Institute didn't make the list of finalists. I understand, I feel your pain. Well not really. The Institute is an acquired taste, and it isn't like we have been working very hard at it lately.

One of my nominations did make the cut for finalist, so, go vote for good friend of the Institute, spd rdr @ Heigh Ho in the Best of the Rest category.

John @ Wuzzadem is in a dog fight (well, in a fight with a dog) in the Best Nude Blog category. I don't understand how he got nominated in this category, but we need to support our friends, regardless of their blogstyle choices.

I like Beautiful Atrocities and Six Meat Buffet in the best Humor Blog Category. Go vote for somebody, because right now a site called Jesus' General is leading the race. Call me what you will, but I think the best humor blog should be.....uh.....humorous.

For Best Blog I endorse Michelle Malkin, because I like her, she is a great blogger and has the best chance of preventing a Daily Kos victory.

And please,help spread the sunshine with a vote for Vinnie, in this category.

I may make some endorsements in the other categories when I have the chance, but in the mean time, you can vote once a day for the next ten days.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Ebb & Flow Institute--1st Anniversary

Publisher's Statement
Standing atop history, yelling beer me!

By Pile On®

There is, we like to think, solid reason for rejoicing. Prodigious efforts, by many people, are responsible for The Ebb & Flow Institute. But since it will be the policy of this think tank institute to reject the hypodermic approach to thinking and then blogging, we may as well start out at once, and admit that the joy is not unconfined. Shit no.

Let's face it: Unlike Topeka, it seems altogether possible that did The Ebb & Flow Institute not exist, no one would have invented it. The launching of a conservative whenever the hell we feel like it blog in a country widely assumed to be a bastion of conservatism at first glance looks like a work of supererogation, rather like publishing a royalist weekly within the walls of Buckingham Palace. It is not that, of course; if The Ebb & Flow Institute is superfluous, it is so for very different reasons: It stands athwart history, yelling beer me, at a time when no one is inclined to yell for beverages, or to have much patience with those who so urge it.

"I happen to prefer a Pale Ale to ditchwater," said the benign old wrecker of the ordered society, Oliver Wendell Holmes, "but there is no reason to suppose that asshats do." We have come around to Mr. Holmes' view, so much that we feel gentlemanly doubts when asserting the superiority of capitalism to socialism, of republicanism to centralism, of Pale Ale to ditchwater — of somethingorother to a whatchamacallit. How curious that one of the doubts one is not permitted is whether, at the margin, (whether not your doubt, lest they be whethered on!) Mr. Holmes was a useful citizen!

The inroads that relativism has made on the American soul are not so easily evident. One must recently have lived on or close to a college campus to have a vivid intimation of what has happened. It is there that we see how a number of energetic social loafers, plugging their loaves, succeeded over the years in capturing the liberal intellectual imagination. And since ideas rule the world, the ideologues, having won over the intellectual class, simply walked in and started to run things (by run, you might intimate, I mean intercourse up).

There are, thank Heaven, the exceptions. There are those of generous impulse and a sincere desire to encourage a responsible dissent from the orthodox orthodoxy. And there are those who recognize that when all is said and done, at the end of the day, the bottom line is, this sentence is going absolutely nowhere. They recognize, therefore, that at times one must grapple with the realization that difficult decisions must be forthcoming. Should one pour another beverage and finish this post, or would one be better served by a visit to the men's room? Our political economy and our high-energy industry run on large, general principles, on ideas — not by day-to-day guess work, expedients and improvisations. Ideas have to go into exchange to become or remain operative; and the medium of such exchange is Albert Gore's Internets. A vigorous and incorruptible blog of conservative opinion is — dare we say it? — as necessary to better living as over-hopped ale at breakfast. We begin blogging then, with a considerable stock of experience with the irresponsible Right, and a despair of the intransigence of the assmunches, who run this country; and all this in a world dominated by the jubilant single-mindedness of the practicing Communist, with his inside track to the ash heap. All this would not appear to augur well for The Ebb & Flow Institute. Yet we start with a considerable — and considered — optimism. Urination be damned, to the refridgerator it is!!

After all, we crashed through. I can't say how many investors made this blog possible. A score of policy analysts pledged their devoted attention to its needs, and hundreds of thoughtful men and women gave evidence that the appearance of such a blog as we have in mind would profoundly affect their lives.

Our own views, as expressed in a memorandum drafted a year ago, and directed to our investors, are set forth in a long forgotten post. We have nothing to offer but the best that is in us. That, a thousand Liberals who read this sentiment will say with relief, is clearly not enough! It isn't enough. But it is at this point that we steal the march. For we offer, besides ourselves, a position that has not grown old under the weight of a gigantic, parasitic bureaucracy, a position untempered by the doctoral dissertations of a generation of Ph.D's yelling shitfire in a crowded theatre, saving no matches, bearing a cynical contempt for human freedom. And that, ladies and gentlemen, kicks ass all the way from you monitor, through your retina, breaking you off proper in you temporal lobes.