Sunday, July 31, 2005

Mainstream Eye For the Extremist Guy

What to do about John Roberts?

His family and his values are hopelessly outdated. If he's confirmed, America will be plunged back into the dark ages when blacks were 3/5 of a person and unmarried folks were forced to take onerous trips to the corner drugstore instead of wallowing in the joys of unprotected sex like the more enlightened couples of today.

Maybe if his family weren't tricked out like a trio of Easter eggs, the far Reich wing of the Republican Party could force Roberts past the heaving gorges of the American public without triggering the gagging reflex. Well I have the perfect solution. A celebrity makeover. Let's start with Little Jack:

Before: can you say Future Hitler Youth-in-Training? Let's freshen this look up a bit.

Muuuuuuuch better. The shaved head gets rid of the problematic blonde hair, and the white rapper shtick shows a commendable degree of racial confusion. Throw a few expletives into the mix and we've talking mainstream American values, baby.

Even better, this look combines the trendy Hispanic demographic with obvious gender confusion. A real winner. On to little Josie.

Holy Mother of God. I don't know where to start. A four-alarm fashion emergency.

Now this is a totally hot look for the grammar-school set. Porn-star chic with a little bling thrown in, and again, no trace of that off-putting Aryan look. Gotta love it. But I think we can do little Josie better.

This is totally bitchin'! What grade-schooler doesn't want to look like this - if you have to be blonde, be blonde with an attitude! Don't let those straight-laced spoilsports in the White House ruin your fun. Let your inner streetwalker out, Josie darling! It even looks like you might have a bun in the oven.

Give me an "U", give me an "P"... what's that spell? UPTIGHT. Is it any wonder the kids are adopted?

This is a great daytime look for the office, running errands, or impromptu visits to the White House. Un-stuffy, unpretentious, totally comfortable with herself. Wifey could learn a lot - hope she's paying close attention.

Or how about this fun and flirty look? Lose the blonde hair and the bra, honey. Ethnic is in in a BIG way. Free yourself.

And how can we forget Dad? We know he is partial to plaids, so we'll let him stay in his comfort zone.

This updated look is fresh and funky, turning the uptight, country-club look on its ear with an irreverent twist even Ted Kennedy will find irresistible.

Marketing is everything. With a little mainstreaming, the Grand Dragon should sail through the nomination process. I'm amazed Karl Rove didn't think of it.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Signs Of The Times

Everywhere you go these days, words are vanishing. Part of this is our new multi-culti sensibility. If we can't have twelve official languages, we'll just eliminate as much Engrish as we can and substitute pictures so people don't have to bother to learn the lingua franca of the dominant culture.

Well I'm not having it. English isn't even my first language, but half the time I can't figure out what the hell these signs are trying to get me to do. In the supermarket, I'm reduced to a blubbering, indecisive idiot by "simplified" directions that are supposedly aimed at the comprehension level of your average five-year-old but leave out important steps like, "Place your greeting card on the conveyor belt after scanning so we can suck it halfway into the gearbox several times, leaving huge black marks all over the envelope. Thank you for standing in at The Food Line."

Street signs are the worst. Can anyone tell me what these signs are supposed to mean?

1. The real reason deer are skittish around humans...

2. One day, dolphins will rule the earth. Sig Heil!

3. But only if the women don't take over first.

4. Why can't we be more like Europe?

5. This is what I love about America. Choices.

6. Unless of course John Roberts is confirmed, in which case Choice, like toads, will be Verboten.

7. I always suspected electric cars were a bad idea...

8. Watch for concealed penguins.

9. Swiped from the men's room at NAMBLA.

10. Because stupidity is also a handicap of sorts...

11. Mind the Gap. (all right, bad British joke) And get rid of that chewing gum.

12. Oh, you mean Elm Street...

13. You are now entering a Ranbutan-free Zone.

14. Ever since he started surfing cable porn channels, it seemed to take more and more to get Bob aroused of an evening...

More signs here.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Friday Vespers

Hello and welcome Institute patrons to one of the lamest Friday Vespers in recorded human history. I don't have the time and my heart isn't in it anyway. But please join me in sipping modest quantities of cool refreshing beer.

I will be out until next thursday, but fret not, I have invited a new blogger to guest post. He/she is a real up and comer/hack, so I am sure you will enjoy/hate his or her side-splitting/serious astute/doltish writing style.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

More Red Meat For Moderates

A brief excerpt from my forthcoming book, The Top 100 People Who Are Having No Effect on America Whatsoever, where I cash in on the passions of political centrists.

#72. The guy who suggested to Keith Olbermann that he start a blog to complement his TV show, Countdown, on MSNBC.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Head of Institute Security Accepts New Position

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the resignation of Zoe, our head of Institute security. Zoe has always had aspirations to one day be an alpha female, that position is permanently filled here, so when a former employer offered her her dream job, I knew I couldn't hold her back.

Zoe's work here has been exemplary, she has done everything we have asked of her, and even a few things no one would have ever dreamed of asking her to do. She has always been loyal, faithful, and greeted every task with vigor and good cheer. I know she will excel in her new position.

So join me in wishing her good luck in her new position.

Zoe, the door is always open here, should you decide to return to the Institute.



Zoe's last day is Thursday, on Saturday I will be leaving town on official Institute business until next Wednesday. If you are looking for funny, this won't be the place for it for a while, unless one of the guest bloggers gives it a go.

More Wild Jihadi Math

From the Gates of Vienna, Baron submits the following research topics. Although our workload is heavy here at the Institute, we do love research topics, even if we can't pursue every topic with the academic vigor it deserves.

1. Are we at war with all of Islam, or only a small portion of it?

2. Can Islam be politically reformed to accept democracy?

3. Can Europe pull out of its suicidal demographic spiral?

4. Is profiling for a “Muslim” appearance preferable to enduring more terrorist attacks?

5. And most importantly: Is the West worth saving?

And for your Jihadi math needs, from a commenter named wildiris.....

Good Morning Baron. An observation on the question "are we at war with all of Islam". In mathematics there is the concept of a "dense" subset. A subset P of larger set Q is said to be "dense" if every neighborhood of any element of Q, contains an element of P. The feature that arises from this condition is that one cannot draw a boundary around the elements of P that will separate them from the rest of the set Q. And when that happens, a proof about some property of the elements of P can often be extened to the whole set Q.The Jihadists form a "dense" subset of the Moslem population, as there is at least one in every neighborhood( no math pun intended). In this situation, where there is no way to separate out the Jihadists from the Moslem population as a whole, there can be no logical basis to consider them as separate populations.

EFI salute to the ever alert Boone.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Did You Know.....

Craig Biggio has been plunked twice on this date (July 25th), once in 1997 by Jeff Juden and then in 1999 by Andy Ashby.

Tonight Craig Biggio will face Cory Lidle of the Phillies. Lidle has plunked Biggio twice in his career, on May 2nd of last year in Houston as well as three weeks later in Cincinnati.

Craig Biggio is number three on the all-time plunked list at 268. He is closing fast on Tommy Tucker who is 2nd at 272 plunks. The good lord willing someday he will have the major league record when he overtakes Hughie Jennings at 287.

For the latest up to date information on Biggio taking one for the team, see Plunk Biggio.

The Gayification of Nascar

Tonight on the Daily Show, Greg of What Attitude Problem will be discussing the gayification of Nascar.

I have to admit this is a societal trend of which I was unaware. But when you think about it, the sport is quite bonnie and bright.


It appears the good folks over at The Daily Show have determined that Tuesday is a more appropriate day to cover the gayification of Nascar.

Will continue to update as events warrant.....

Open Letter

Dear France:

Are there any other sporting events you hold dear that we could have a go at?




Friday, July 22, 2005

Friday Vespers

Hello and welcome beer lovers to another star studded Friday Vespers here at the highly acclaimed The Ebb & Flow Institute. This is the time of the week where you good folks climb up out of the mud of your work a day world and join us up in the Institutes ivory tower, where we have been keeping our eye on the big picture.

New Employee

We are pleased to introduce you fine folks to our newest employee here at The Ebb & Flow Institute. Meet Hilda, I found her toiling away over at this site, where frankly I think she was under-appreciated.

Hilda darlin', if it's no trouble, bring our readers a beer.

Ain't nothing but a thang, Pile hun. →

Things we have our eye on from on high.

A move by Congress to extend daylight-saving time for four weeks to save energy has prompted an outcry from parent groups and the nation's airline industry, which warn it could be dangerous and costly.

Indeed. Whenever you start jacking with the rotation of the earth you find yourself face to face with dangerous and costly.

Another thing we see up here.

Good friend of the Institute, Liberal Larry (a sweet, sweet man, who lets me call him Lar) reminds us, post London bombing, of what a genius Michael Moore is.

We have seen the future, and this is not it.

Criminy peoples, what can you be thinking?

The word for the day.


Main Entry: pe·tard·ed
Pronunciation: pi-'tär-d&d
Function: adjective

1: sometimes offensive : the condition of having been hoist upon one's own petard

2: meriting derisive laughter or scorn as absurdly inept, false, or foolish

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Wild Jihadis--A Statistical Analysis

Graphs--How a Good Visual Makes a Complex Concept Understandable

Figure 1.

Fig. 1 is a graphic display of the relations between the residuals of the percent feral jihadi/US interest in it's own vital national interests across rank. While it stands as an odd set of things to compare statistically, I did it to improve visualization of the behavior of the very top and very bottom of most jihadi groups as it relates to US foreign policy. No correlation (r = 0.0) is what we might expect with this particular analysis. However, the regression was run to better view the curving at the ends of the percent of western interventions. . . something it clearly shows. Note that the behavior of those jihadi packs ranking lowest (upper left-hand area) and those jihadi packs ranked highest (lower, right-hand area) show very definite skewing in the extent to which they over/under performed in terms of direct correlation to U.S. military retaliations where vital national interests are concerned.

Simply interpreted, the data show the jihadis with the very highest and very lowest rates of success as having exaggerated tendency in the direction of their overall performance. I am not certain if there is a statistical significance in this. I am currently attempting to get expert advice on whether there are enough cases in the very highest and lowest groups to merit further analysis (logistical). Stay tuned. . .

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I Link Because......Because I Care....Again

I haven't laughed this hard since that one time, when that thing happened. Funny. Heap big good times. Go. I can't wait till my wife gets home so I can sing along with this version of Fernando for her.

This is why I don't do my own yardwork. Where do you live girlfriend?

Exterminator. Cool logo on the sidebar. Sucks that it's orange though.


Vinnie is working on a new book, How to talk to Jihadis. Published by here & here press.


You damn straight Dave. On a related note, I have a top secret classified blog where I post pictures of the Onlette™ for the viewing pleasure of friends and family around the world. The in-laws in China are unable to access the site. I knew The Onlette™ would be a threat to global stability, I just didn't think it would be so soon.


Here is one for the cultural relativists out there. You know who you are. We are better than this. The west is better than this. Most of the world is better than this. There were a couple guys in Wyoming a few years ago that were no better, the difference is, here the state prosecutes them.


Must see pictures can be accessed here.

Never forget.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Editorial--The On Liberty Curve

The recent news that the deficit is smaller than expected, provides evidence that Bush's tax cuts did indeed increase revenue to the government, as tax cuts did for Reagan and Kennedy before him. Here is an excellent post that covers the news nicely. This provides more evidence that economist Arthur Laffer was correct when he introduced his much maligned Laffer Curve.

The Laffer Curve

Critics of the curve ridiculed the theory behind the curve by misrepresenting it. No one ever said all tax cuts of any size will always increase revenue, if they did it wouldn't be a curve, it would be a line rising to the left. The concept is quite simple, if the government sets a tax rate at zero, the government will raise no revenue. If the government sets a tax rate at 100%, human nature being what it is, no revenue will be raised, because no one is going to engage in any economic activity if the government is going to take all the money. Therefore, if you track revenue from 0% - 100% taxation, you will get a curve, with T being the point of maximum revenue. If tax rates are set higher or to the right of T, then a tax cut will indeed increase revenue.

The On Liberty Curve

Using the same theory, we here at the Institute developed The On Liberty Curve a number of years ago after hearing William F. Buckley propose something similar. The premise is similar to the Laffer Curve.

If the government sets the tax rate at 0%, they raise no revenue and we have chaos, given enough time we have no liberty either. If the government sets the tax rate at 100%, we are essentially slaves to the state, and we have no liberty. Therefore it stand to reason that we have a curve, just like the Laffer curve where T represents maximum liberty. We here at the Institute theorize that the maximum liberty T is somewhere to the left of the T that represents maximum revenue.

It is our view, here at the Institute, that libertarians and small government conservatives should concern themselves with setting tax rates at the point of maximum liberty and not maximum revenue.

We would think that Democrats who prefer a more energetic state would concern themselves with finding the point of maximum revenue based on the Laffer Curve. They don't. We suspect they don't because of the power over the electorate that comes from taxation, revenue raised is of less concern.

We would also think that deficit hawk conservatives would be particularly interested in finding point T on the Laffer Curve. What few there are in Washington don't seem to be. They will only go along with tax cuts when they are promised the beads and trinkets of future spending cuts that for some reason never materialize.

This concludes an editorial from the staff of The Ebb & Flow Institute.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Homegrown Jihadi--A Preliminary Inquiry

Homegrown's all right with me.
Homegrown is the way it should be.
Homegrown is a good thing.
Plant that bell and let it ring.
--Neil Young

The recent revelation that the Jihadis who attacked the mass-transit system in London were of the homegrown variety has caused something of a hubbub in the academic field of Jihadi Studies. Here at the Institute we feel too much is being made of the distinction between the so called "homegrown jihadis" and the more well known feral wild jihadis. As the species is not native to the west, the distinction is one of introduction timing and not of biology. Nevertheless, the phenomenon of homegrown jihadis is one that merits a closer look by the research staff here at the Institute.

Homegrown Jihadi

To give us some background on the homegrown jihadi movement we recently interviewed Dr. Ali Al Awadi of the Center for Sustainable Jihad. Because of the importance of this information, relevant portions of that interview are being made available here, free of charge. The entire interview is available for Institute subscribers at the Institute Insiders site.


Dr. Awadi, thank you for taking some time for us, tell us about your background and why you founded the Center for Sustainable Jihad.

Dr. Awadi:

Yes, certainly, my PhD is in Islamic Studies but my undergraduate work was in Animal Husbandry, which has been more than a passing hobby of mine since around the time I reached puberty. The Center was founded in 2002, when we became concerned that because of invasive pressures in their natural habitat, jihadis faced a serious threat to their survival.


Most of us are aware of the pressures on the jihadi, tell us what your concerns are, and what you are trying to accomplish.

Dr. Awadi:

By the time it reaches it's destination, the average jihadi has logged over 15,000 miles. As 95% of the world's jihads are dominated by only six transnational jihadi organizations, this well-traveled jihadi neatly encapsulates the global trends in jihad activities. Jihad has become an increasingly anonymous and corporate activity. Prior to 2001 most jihadi originated from two or three locations in the world, it was industrial in scale and style, specializing in monocultural jihads. This leads to loss of bio-diversity, damage to the environment at a high cost to the movement, and the homogenization of style and tactics.

Jihadi for export

The advent of western political and military pressure on those two or three jihad growing regions has had an impact on the jihadi, reducing it's quality and diversity. Shortening "jihad miles" (the distance between jihad and destination) is pivotal to the CSJ's vision of a holistic organic jihad supply system. Rather than treating jihad as a commodity for import and export, its production should be regarded as a basic activity at the heart of any thriving, non-Islamic community.

I am sorry Mr. On, I am rambling.


No that's fine, please continue to tell us about the goals of the CSJ.

Dr. Awadi:

The underlying message that we are trying to convey is to think small, and, more importantly, local. Sustainability rests on the principle that we must meet the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations of jihadis.

A systems perspective is essential to understanding sustainability. The system is envisioned in its broadest sense, from the individual jihadi, to the local ecosystem, and to communities affected by jihad both locally and globally. An emphasis on the holistic system allows a larger and more thorough view of the organic interactions between jihadis and the environment.


How have your efforts been received by the public?

Dr. Awadi:

Quite well, in fact we have found our efforts to be complemented by our natural allies who oppose the forces that threaten the jihadi way of life.


Yeah, I suppose so.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Friday Vespers

Hello and welcome Institute Patrons, to another motivating episode of Friday Vespers here at The Ebb & Flow Institute. Please, let one of our friendly staff members provide you with a beer as we reflect on the week just passed.

As you enjoy your beer, provided to you at no charge, we here at the Institute ask that you take a few moments to think about all the great posts KJ and Pile have provided for you this week. Think about how few places there are where you get this kind of uncompromising world class journalism. You have been treated to reporting on groundbreaking research, exclusive interviews, behind the scenes dialogue from today's newsmakers, that you just can't find anywhere else.

Now, ask yourself, don't I know people whose lives would be enriched if only I would give them a free subscription to The Ebb & Flow Institute? Keep asking yourself, why am I so selfishly keeping this little treasure to myself? Those of you with blogs must surely be asking yourself at this point, golly, why haven't I linked to The Ebb & Flow Institute more? My readers do need life enrichment!! Dear God!! What have I not done?

Salute to the Houston Astros

This week we give a big The Ebb & Flow Institute salute to the Houston Astros. Not long ago the Astros were 15 games under .500 and were even taking heat from senior fellows here at the Institute. Sure, they could have given up, quit, but then that wouldn't be very Astro-like now would it?

As we start the 2nd half of the season the Astros are one game over .500 after winning 28 of their final 40 games. Now they are only 5 games behind the Braves in the wildcard race.

And now a word from The Onlette™.

Hi everybody,

Not long ago, about the same time the Astros were in the crapper, I took on a new project here at the Institute. I found myself in need of a way to lift a very heavy, oversized cranium, with little more than a nonexistent neck and some infant-like muscles. The task seemed insurmountable, and I wasn't making much progress. I was on the verge of chucking the whole project and moving on to something else, when I saw how the Astros weren't giving up, even though some here at the Institute had left them for dead.

I drew inspiration from the no-quit Houston Astros and soldiered on. Then the day after the All Star Game; using my knowledge of pulleys, levers and large suspension bridges I had a break through.

Thanks Astros.

The Onlette™

Thursday, July 14, 2005

End of the Trail Part V

The continuing adventures of Ward Churchill and Sithole the trans-gendered track star from Zimbabwe.

Part I, II, III, IV


Tomorrow Ward, I go to prison, because I have been unable to get rid of the penis that the traditional healer caused to spontaneously grow on me.


When I was a young brave my dear Runs With A Penis, my people were in the thousands. You could stand in one spot and watch a herd of buffalo go by all day. A squaw could run with a penis and there were no bluecoats to put her in jail for running with a penis. It was a good life my friend.


I don't know what to do Ward, I am scared of going to prison.


Do as my people do and mock your enemy. If they say you have a penis, you say, yes I do, and my graduate student assistants have penises too. Even though you don't have any graduate student assistants. My people are a humorous people Runs With A Penis.


When they come for me, should I fight Ward? Make a stand?


A warrior who dies fighting at night will walk the earth in darkness for eternity Runs With A Penis. No, let us choose a different path.


I am afraid Ward. What will happen to me in prison?


It is a cold night Runs With A Penis. Come, warm my blanket.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

WTW--Welcome to Piles Neighborhood

Hello Institute Patrons, please allow me to introduce you to my neighbor and his Ford Ranger. I don't see Mr. Neighbor often, but when I do he is working in the yard, dressed and looking very much like this. His yard is a pit, so other than plant the occasional Kucinich for President sign, I don't know what he accomplishes, other than showing off his ample physique.

I can't decide if I should let him in on how Rove rigged it so my vote would count and his wouldn't. Maybe if I do, he will clue me in on what is up with that donkey sticker. It can't possibly be that the Democrat donkey is pulling the cart and it is getting too heavy?

As long as we are engaging in the lefts version of intellectual discourse, let us discourse.

When the missiles are on the way, it would be nice to know what or who I am to have faith in.

Which is it again? Not enough people voted or the votes weren't counted?

A glimmer of hope for the left, but then who believes everything they think? I try to stick to believing what I know.

If I were debating these bumper stickers, this one would have just handed me my ass.

If Mr. Neighbor puts this one on his truck, I might have to go all G8 protestor on his arse.

This post is my official entry in this major competition.


Please visit these other fine participating WTW sponsors.

basil's blog BOBO BLOGGER Cranky Neocon Dangerous Logic Feisty Republican Whore
Fistful of Fortnights HECTOR VEX It Is What It Is Mean Ol' Meany Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Pirate's Cove Riehl World View Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet Sortapundit The Ebb & Flow Institute The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face THE STEEL DEAL The Therapist Vince Aut Morire

The G8 Focuses On Lindsay Lohan

An online petition has started to put the focus on hunger. In particular, former hottie Lindsay Lohan is wasting away, and one group is hoping to put a stop to it.

At Feed Lindsay, you can review her decline. You can sign a petition.

In response to the hunger problem, Bob Geldolf has planned a several concerts to raise awareness for Ms. Lohen's hunger problem. He expects acts such as the Black Crowes and Rolling Stones, each of which could use a meal of their own, to play.

Other celbrities are expected to make an appearance in support of Lindsay, including Calista Flockhart and Laura Flynn Boyle.

Ms. Flockhart said, "Every day in Hollywood, there are 30,000 hot women who turn away a perfectly good, healthy meal. After a while, they start to get freaky skinny, and only the most expensive eating disorder doctors can help. This takes away from their party and drug money, and sometimes causes them to have to sell their fourth home. For the price of a 6" sub from Subway, we could end this tragedy."

Please, won't you help help feed a formerly hot, now starving celebrity?

With your help, we can put an end to the hunger and starvation plaguing Hollywood, one starlet at a time.

This was cross-posted at No Government Cheese and Ebb & Flow Institute.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

New Study Co-Sponsored by The Cheese and The Institute

In light of the recent unpublished study by PBS in which PBS determined that it was free of left wing bias, No Government Cheese and The Ebb & Flow Institute decided to co-sponsor a study of their own.

The findings of the study were remarkable.

It turns out that Pile On and KJ are the smartest, least biased and most often right people in the entire blogosphere. And that is just when they publish their conclusions. Privately, they are right an even greater percentage of the time, but they don't often publish their conclusions to every issue they face.

For example, earlier today KJ wondered what he was going to have for lunch. He decided that the correct answer would probably be a chicken sandwich and a side salad. It turns out, that is exactly what he had for lunch. He also correctly predicted the location of his car keys and correctly answered a request for his ATM PIN. [Note: KJ even knew that PIN Number would be redundant, as the "N" in PIN stands for "number."] KJ has also been recognized for his ground breaking research of the field of women in prison.

Pile On was reported to have very similar powers of deduction, or induction, depending on the logic he chose to use. For example, he figured out his Blogger password earlier today with just one quick analysis. After successfully logging on, he correctly deduced that he had used the correct username and password. Pile has also been recognized for his study of the quite complex biological wonder that is the Wild Jihadist.

The study also found, unsurprising to most, that all the chicks dig KJ and Pile On, especially when they are just being themselves.

The Cheese and the Institute are considering publishing this study for peer review later. Perhaps. Frankly, we are concerned that all the stupid, biased people in the blogosphere will undermine this fine study through unsubstantiated charges, specious logic, ad hominem attacks or just saying something really stupid. On second thought, it may be best to just keep the study under wraps.

Turns out that conclusion, like most other conclusions made by KJ and Pile On, was right.


UPDATE: Due to increasing demand from the common folk, I have been asked to provide a little more detail of our study. Our study was subject to the following exaulted standards: (1) lots of very intelligent people were consulted; (2) lots of big words were used; (3) all data was subjected to a multiple regression analysis -- it isn't important that you don't know what that is; (4) all data was evaluated in an unbiased manner, as was self evident from the findings of the study that we are unbiased; and (5) the study was subjected to peer review, which is pretty hard to do since the study found that we are right more often than any of our former peers.

Finally, we asked some of the smartest people we know to comment on the study.

Instapundit said, "Heh. Indeed. Read it all."
Hugh Hewitt said, "Morning glory to you. What a great study."
Stephen Hawking said, in his smart sounding computer generated voice, "I think this study may prove that the only hope for figuring out the mysteries of the universe lie in reading No Government Cheese and the Ebb & Flow Institute blogs. Now, will you please turn my artificial lung back on?"
Marilyn Vos Savant said, "This is all just too complicated for me. They must be right."
Karl Rove said, "I am interested in leading Pile In Aught Ocho."
Michael Jackson said, "Who thinks the study might be biased? Hector Vex? That is just ignorant. Just ignorant."

So, there you have it. Intelligent people, big words, multiple regression analysis, smart celebrity endorsements. Now, please stop bothering us with ignorant questions.

This post has been cross-posted at No Government Cheese and Ebb & Flow Institute. As they say, when in Rome.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Open Discussion Thread

Don't be shy peoples.

Here, I'll get you started. Why is Pile so dadgum busy he can't write a proper post?

a) He is a very important person with numerous demands on his time. Sure, maybe he isn't as important as fitness celebrity John Basedow, but important nonethelesser.

b) Poor planning.

Discuss, in and among yourselves.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Wild Jihadis in London Infiltrated


Earlier today acting on a tip from an anonymous source close to the American Society of Naturalists, I got in touch with an undercover naturalist that had infiltrated the pack of wild jihadis that attacked the mass transit system in London on July 7th. To protect the naturalist I will not reveal his real name, but will refer to him as Marty.

All information regarding this interview has been turned over to the proper authorities.


Marty, I want to thank you for granting me this exclusive interview.


No problem Pile, I love the Institute, you have done some groundbreaking research there, I read your site whenever I have access to the net.


I know you are busy Marty, so let's get right to it, you have infiltrated the pack of jihadis that attacked in London yesterday?


Yes Pile, when I saw the news of the attacks, I knew I had to do something, and I knew I was perhaps one of the only men alive besides that crazy crocodile bastard from Australia that could get close to these jihadis. You see, from the way the attacks were carried out, I knew these were flying jihadis.


Flying jihadis?


Yes Pile, flying, although jumping and gliding would be more accurate. They are the same species as other wild jihadis, jihadi sub-carnivora, they have just adapted to an urban environment making them very elusive.


So, where did you catch up to them, where is this picture taken?


That picture is taken where I found the jihadis, in an old part of Notting Hill.


I guess I have never been to that part of London. Anyway, how did you infiltrate them?


I have a transcript I can send you, if that would make it easier?


A transcript within a transcript of an interview? There is nothing in Journalism school to prepare you for this.


You are jihadi. I too am Jihadi.

Flying Jihadi:

Yes, your beard does not displease Allah.


Some jihadis have been very active today, praise be unto Allah, do you know of these jihadis?

Flying Jihadi:

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon his messenger, yes, it was we, the flying jihadis. Allah revealed his wishes unto us and we carried out his will.


Allah was displeased with London's mass transit system?

Flying Jihadi:

No, it's the food in this infidel country, a follower must kill people in a country with cuisine this bad. After Finland, there is no country with food more offensive to Allah.


The food?

Flying Jihadi:

A jihadi must eat to serve Allah. And London being chosen to host the Olympics was the straw that defiled the camel. Are the followers of the Prophet to enjoy the Olympics on a diet of mashers and bangers?


I had no idea these jihadis were so motivated by food. This is truly revealing Marty.


Yes it is Pile, I also learned a few other things before I returned to safety, remember the Khobar Towers bombing? That was caused by an overcooked magret de canard.


I know you don't have much time, thank you Marty for taking a few minutes for my readers.


No problem Pile, remember, until next time, enjoy our wild jihadi.


Sure thing Mar......what?

Friday Vespers

Hello and welcome Institute patrons to another Friday Vespers where we take time to remember those things in life that are good.

Like beer.

I apologize for being a poor host today, but I am very busy trying to nail down and interview with an undercover naturalist that has infiltrated the pack of wild jihadis that attacked London yesterday.

Enjoy your beer, stay as long as you like or check back often, I can't say how long this will take but rest assured you will want to read this important and exclusive interview.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

Attempts at Humor Halted

I have no sense of humor today. I will resume blogging when the staff of the Institute deems it appropriate.

Excerpt from Tombstone.

Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: Why do you do it?

Doc Holliday: Wyatt is my friend.

Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends.

Doc Holliday: I don't.